I've started writing this post about 10 times now and I've stopped every time. Why you ask, probably because I don't want people to think I'm a whiner. But more and more lately I've been depressed because I feel like I'm dealing with all of this craziness on my own. Mark is here and always will be to support me, but it's not always the same as my girlfriends. So here it is...I'm going to dump it all out on you. Be prepared and warned.
January started with a little scare. I had three suspicious moles removed and one came back with pre-cancerous cells and they hadn't gotten all of it. So back to the table for another cut and some stitches. Not only did it scare me, but it cost a lot!!
Then my parents came down to visit and announced that they were separating. That weekend Mark just happened to be out West snowmobiling so I was left to deal with this news on my own, because no one else in my family knew yet.
Late in January Mark got laid off. Add another thing to the list of crappy things that can happen.
February came and Mark got really sick for about 2 weeks. There were a few days when his temperature was really high and it was a bit scary at times. We did make it up for Carnival though and it was TONS of fun!!
In late February/early March we got two HUGE snowstorms.
March wasn't overly eventful. I had Lasik at the end of the month which was really awesome. My eyes are still a little sore and light sensitive, but it's great to be able to see without my glasses.
So now it's April...last week Mark got two offers for different jobs. One down here in the Cities and the other in Duluth. After talking about it we decided he should take the job in Duluth. I'm not sure when he'll start yet, but soon I'll be living by myself in a big house down here in the Twin Cities. I'll be down here until at least December because that's when I'll be done with school. So I'm looking at about 7 months minimum by myself with the occasional visits with him.
And he left yesterday to go out to Montana to go snowmobiling for the weekend. He'll be back either late, late on Sunday or early on Monday. So I'm all by myself for the time being.
I've really been trying to stay positive lately, but it's getting harder. I'm having a really hard time dealing with the fact that my parents are separated. I know I shouldn't be angry and that they need to do what's best for them, but I just don't know how to deal with it.
Then on top of that I'm losing the rock in my life. Mark and I are so great together that I just don't want to have to deal with life without him. He's the one person that I can tell everything to and even though he doesn't always support me in the way that I think he should, he's always here and he cares. It just won't be the same to do everything over the phone. Plus we have a pretty big house and I HATE it when he's not here. It's so creepy and spooky. Plus what happens if something goes wrong?? I have people I can call, but it's still something I'll have to deal with by myself. I'm happy for him because this is something he's wanted for a long time, but I just wish we were starting a new adventure up north together instead of him doing it first and me doing it later. I've gotten so used to him being around that I'm scared to be alone again. I know I can (and will) do it, but I just don't want to.
I know I'm throwing myself a pity party right now, but as I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes I'm just wishing that life would work out without having to deal with all of these hard things all the time. It seems like the hits just keep on coming this year and I'm tired, stressed, and just wishing that someone could make it all better.
Anyway, if you made it to the end, thanks for reading and letting me get this off my chest. :)
12 April 2007
sometimes...
Posted by randi at 5:49 PM
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12 comments:
Sorry to hear that you are feeling down. Don't ever make yourself feel bad about talking it though, everyone deserves a pity party every once in a while!
I hope feel better soon... hugs!!!!
Let it out!! Sounds like you needed to... Prayers heading your way!!
There should be a warning on this post "If you have PMS don't read this" because now I'm sitting here crying for you.
So my comment may end up long.
My dad said to me one time "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." I think that sometimes if we get too comfortable, he likes to remind us how strong we are by dumping on us so we can wade through it all and come back from it. I know it's probably not much consolation right now, but I really think the strong go through more hard times.
As for the separation, I know that it's hard being the oldest and dealing with this stuff. Because I'm the oldest, I still take the brunt of all family disagreements and I am ALWAYS the go-between. Here's what I've learned: if you let it all affect you personally, it will eat you up. I know that it can be hard to distance yourself from situations because they're your family and you want to help, and some situations you will have to help. But you won't be able to handle all of the problems, no one person can.
I still sometimes have to say to both of my parents "listen, God gave me you two as parents, I love you both. I realize that you don't get along and both think the other one has shown some 'non-good-parent' qualities, but if I want Ava to forgive me for my parenting imperfections, I will have to forgive both of you for yours. I don't want to hear all the bad stuff from either one of you."
I realize that I have one of the more extreme situations because my parents have not gotten along very well in the 14 years they've been divorced. I know some couples get along just fine after separations and can be completely civil to one another. I am praying that's the case for you. But if it's not, you can always call or email me, I still go through it all the time and I've learned how to distance myself from some of it. My sister is also pretty good at taking sobbing phone calls too when it all gets to be too much.
Okay, so bottom line is, if you need anything at all, I'm here for you!
Poor Randall. Come on over. We'll spend some time on the couch and I'll find a way to make you gluten-free no bakes.
Don't ever feel bad for venting in your blog, it's your blog! You get to say what you want!
Hang in there, it will get better! Love ya!
This situation sounds like a job for the SUPER ALPH GAMM COUCH. I think you should head to MTU (I'm going on Tuesday) and lay on the couch after getting drunk. That's the cure. haha. Just kidding. I hope you feel better and that venting helped. *hugs*
I concur with what everybody already said. Its your blog and you can cry if you want too! All of these hard times are sure going to make the good times look extra great, huh!? And maybe its a blessing in disguise that you and Mark will be seperated - you'll really learn to cherish the time that you DO have together. I'll be thinking of you.
*HUGS* I hope things get better for you! :)
I wish you lived closer. We would be hanging out on my couch, wearing pajamas and eating ice cream!
Randi, I'm sorry to hear about your parents and Mark and your moles. I know you'll get through this. After living in the house by yourself for awhile, you'll feel like a stronger, more independent person. Show yourself you can do it!
I love you. Call me if you ever want to talk.
*big hugs*
I am so sorry to hear that you are dealing with so much right now. I do agree with AJ that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. I know it doesn't make it any easier right now, but if you ever need to talk...I am just a phone call away.
Lots of love!!!
I hear ya. I've become very reliant on Kevin as well and can understand how hard it will be to see Mark leave. You will see him shortly though. Just think summer is coming and there is always lots to do in the summer...a great time for road trips too. With work and school the next few months will fly by.
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