Now the title of this post suggests that I wish I could be really big, but happy. But it's not so much about that. It's more about being happy with who you are (or in my case who I am). Let me give you a little context...
In May I started seeing a nutritionist to develop healthier eating habits and, ultimately, lose weight. So in May these were my stats:
Weight: 138 lbs.
Height: 5'1"
Waist: 30 inches
Hips: 38 inches
Thighs: 22 inches
Boobs: 36B (I don't know the inches off the top of my head)
When they first told me that I started to cry. I had never really realized how much I had "let myself go" during college, but was happy that I was going to do something to change those numbers.
So throughout the summer I followed the recommended eating plan, changed my eating habits based on my allergy test and what I am "sensitive" to and lost weight. So now it's the end of September and here are my stats to date:
Weight: 122 lbs.
Height: 5'1" (I asked if they could make me grow and they said no. :()
Waist: 27 inches
Hips: 35 inches
Thighs: ???? I never really understood this one.
Boobs: 34 almost C
I hesitated on whether I should share this information with you, because it's rather personal, but I needed to in order to make the next comments. I've been successful in what I set out to do. I used to be a size 6, now I'm a size 2 and Mark is happier with the way I look (not that he ever didn't like me before). So why am I still not happy? When I look at myself in the mirror I still the same chubby girl that used to be looking back at me all the time. I step on the scale each and every morning and pray that it still says the same thing (or maybe even a little less). I feel bad when I have a can of soda, a bar of chocolate, or anything that used to be on my list of "don'ts." I can list a million positive things in my life, and very few negatives. So my questions are:
1. What will it take to make me satisfied?
2. Will I ever be able to look at myself and say, "hey, you look hot?"
Does anyone have any helpful advice they'd be willing to share??
Since this has been a kind of depressing posts I'm going to share a few happy things with you.
Saturday night I had dinner with my two sisters (who you should all know read my blog and many of yours regularly) at a local Mexican place in Duluth. It was lots and lots of fun and was the first (of I hope many) sisters-only outings. Afterward we took a field trip to Target and I found these really cute bat and ghost pot holders for Halloween. And I'll be honest I will probably use them all year. :)
During our weekly team meeting today we discussed working from home. Our boss agreed that we could work from home when/if we feel it's necessary. So I have elected to work from home on Mondays. :) I am VERY excited about this, because not only does it allow me to work in my PJ's one day a week, but it also gives me one additional day during the week where I don't have to sit in my car for 2 hours. This idea is inline with the ROWE concept that BBY instituted a few years ago and, while my job requires me to be in the office most of the time, there is a lot of work that I can get done without being here. Thanks boss!
Ciao for now!
19 September 2006
sometimes i wish i could be fat and happy with that...
Posted by randi at 12:43 PM
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8 comments:
I think that you are hot Randall! I love you bunches too! Don't listen to that girl in the mirror, she isn't right most of the time. If I listened to her I would never walk out of my house! **Hugs**
The girl in the mirror is everyone's favorite enemey. She is always the one to make things seem like they really aren't. You are a wonderful person randi...don't worry what the scale and the inches say. Id love you no matter what
This just goes to show that you could have all the money in the world, be thin, young, and beautiful, and still not be happy. I'm not a therapist or anything, but I'm guessing that you had been feeling kind of unhappy for quite some time and thought that improving your looks would make you feel better. And maybe now you're disappointed because that wasn't the case.
Really, I'd suggest talking to a therapist about this. She could help you find the underlying cause of your discontent.
I don't get it - how did you almost go up a cup size from losing weight???
I tend to agree with Crystal's advice. It sounds like weight, looks, etc are not your main reason for your unhappiness. Maybe it is your career, personal life, or something else. Talk with someone might help you figure it out.
As for your enemy...the mirror...I don't think anyone is 100% satisfied with themselves. Prior to pregnancy, I still thought I was "fat" at times. Everyone has a good day and bad day, but don't obsess over what the scale says. Just learn to be happy with yourself :)
awesome that they don't make you go in monday. nothing ever happened for us on mondays there... good job talking them into it! :)
I second the therapy idea. if you don't know what's wrong, talking it out with someone who will help you figure out a plan is the way to go. i have an excellent therapist if you would like her number.
Randi,
I was reading your post and it hit so close to home. This is how I have always felt. Even back in high school when I was a size 0 (believe it or not) I was unhappy with my size, I constantly worried about what I was eating and how much I was working out. For some reason it helped going to Tech because people didn't worry about looks that much so I kinda let myself go too, but now that I'm back in the "real world", I'm back to my same old ways. I too recently starting counting calories, gave up pop, and workout everyday. My company gym did all of these diagnostic tests on me that say I'm a healthy average American (which doesn't say much.) But I still feel like the fat kid. I think its just something that you'll have to deal with until you realize that you're beautiful on the inside and hot on the outside! Which I'm sure every guy that walks past you thinks, inclding Mark! Don't know if this is much help, but atleast you know you're not crazy! A lot of people feel the same way you do.
A lot of the women I know from weight watchers have this same problem. They get down to their goal weight and they look and feel awesome - but losing weight wasn't the "magic pill" like they thought it would be.
I would suggest you start journaling, it seems that the ladies who journaled throughout their weight loss came to a lot of realizations about themselves during the journey - and have ended up not only super-hot but also more in-tune (and thusly, happier) with theirselves.
Side note: Randi lost an inch (at least) from her ribcage (Yippee!) but managed to keep her boobs, and that's why her cup size "went up" - cup size is relative to ribcage size.
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